Loss

This post has no accompanying picture, no cute story, and no suave European lesson to be learned. This story is about loss. I lost someone very close to me on Thursday, April 29th, and from that day on I have been struggling with not being their by her bedside with the rest of my family. She didn't want me to return to France because she was so worried about my safety, and I begged God to let her see me come home safely. Little did I know that God wanted her to have the best seat possible to be able to watch over my safe return. Hundreds of people were praying for her when they admitted her to hospice; praying for her healing, for her peace and ours, and a little after midnight our prayers were answered. We don't know God's plans and I cannot question His decision. I was torn at losing her, but I know that she is no longer in pain and suffering. Instead she's better than us all. As one friend of mine put it- "she is the lucky one, not us. One day we will be as lucky as her." And he's right. One day I know that her and I will meet again, and until that day I pass notes to her through Jesus. I know that now she is watching over her family and smiling to see that we all love each other and are supporting each other through this difficult time.

There is a memento (one among many) that she gave me a few years ago, a ring with a beautiful deep blue sapphire in the middle that displays a large star in the jewel when it is held under direct light. She had it re-sized for me so it would perfectly fit my ring finger. I left it home when I came to France for fear I would misplace it in my travels and I do not regret that decision, but I want it so badly. I yearn to have a piece of her with me at all times; just a reminder of her beautiful life and the lessons she taught me. She is on my mind at all times, so it's difficult to explain my want for this ring just now, but I know that when I arrive home, the first thing I do will be to retrieve my ring from it's safe hiding spot and put it on my finger, where it will always be until I decide it's time to pass it on to my daughter and tell her about Mabert and how wonderful she was.

I have begun to write out my memories of her, and the things she taught me. When I sit down to type one memory, the others just keep flowing and i cannot stop them or the tears. I wish I had taken more pictures. I used to call her every week when I was back home in Charlotte and now I wish that I had realized earlier and more often that I could call her on skype. I was able to speak with her a few times and even on her deathbed I spoke to her twice and I am grateful because some people don't even get that chance. But to only be with her one more time, to have one more conversation or garner one more life lesson from her rich time on this earth, I would give almost anything.

I miss her so much and I am grieving her in the way that I think appropriate. It's difficult because she would not have wanted a lot of fuss, but she is more than worthy of it. She didn't even want a funeral so there was none. I don't understand this decision but at the same time I would not have been able to attend anyways. I look forward to seeing my Grandpa and embracing him and finally being able to have some closure. I want to talk about her and her life and her family and her legacy. I want to record all her memories so that I can tell my children. I never imagined my life without her because she was going to live forever. She was going to be at my wedding and know my children and see how my life turned out. It still tears me apart to know that she won't be doing those things here on Earth, but I know that where she is, she already knows all those things and so much more.

I love you Grandma.

French Mornings

Long has it been since I've returned to this page to recount my adventures in Europe. There are many reasons for that- none of them legitimate so I will not waste time writing them. I often find myself in a peaceful moment and feel the need to write about it. Through a series of unlikely events, I found myself at a bakery at 9am recently- and what a wonderful experience! Why have I never done that before? It's magical to walk outside of my apartment in the beautiful French early springtime and be amidst the first customers of the day as they make their morning choices from the large selection of treats. The boulangerie wants for nothing at this hour- nothing has been picked over, nothing is running out, and I get my choice of all these things laid out in front of me on a golden platter.

Unfortunately the man behind me was not so taken with the magic of it all as I was, and he and his business suit had things to do. I chose a selection of pastries and returned for a magical breakfast of pastries, coffee, tea, juice, and bananas. I wish I had photos to document that tiny amount of time which bored itself into my memory, but I do not so word pictures will have to suffice. It's just a small little thing...like most boulangeries. It looks simple on the outside, and as I push the glass doors to get inside a tinkling bell goes off alerting the lady that a new customer arrives. There's a long glass showcase of pastries that makes an L-shape, and I walk back and forth in front of it, prowling like a caged lionness in the zoo. I want to be sure that I don't waste my choices...and there are so MANY choices! I took two chocolat russe - which is a doughy bread in a sort of pretzel shape with chocolate morsels all throughout, and 2 chausson pommes, which I'm told is the equivalent of an apple turnover although I can't be sure because I've never had that American treat.

But the sheer amount of bread- yellows and golds everywhere! Different types of baguettes in large bins and baskets behind the counter for me to choose from- and nothing about 1 euro 50! I went in with 5 euros and came out with 4 pastries and change. The walk back to my apartment just around the corner was all too short- the morning was brisk and beautiful and sunny- oh how I love the sun in France! It's been such a rarety these last few months. I've missed my Carolina blue skies amidst the white and dreary French skies. So since I've been cooped up all winter, I'm chomping at the bit to get outside and take as many walks in the park and around the city as possible, and join the ranks of French people who are also venturing out from their apartments for the first time in a long time for the purpose of leisure time. I want to take my new huge book to the park and read while the children feed the deer and mosey through the zoo...maybe hear the lion roar another time. Maybe take a bike ride through the park..or a canoe on the lake. Is that even possible? I'm not sure but I intend to find out...these last few months will not go wasted on my journey!

a toute a l'heure...

Thanksgiving in Lyon

Well it's now time for the promised Thanksgiving post- and I don't even know where to begin! I had an excellent holiday away from home with my friends here and I'll never forget it. Cooking began around 4:30 pm and we finally sat down to eat around 10 pm with 7 of us total in attendance. We had all the classics, including pumpkin pie, turkey, mashed potatoes, deviled eggs, stuffing, macaroni and cheese, and steamed veggies. The turkey was a bit of a challenge because in Lyon they don't sell full turkeys, so we had to settle for two huge pieces and find a recipe somewhere online that allowed for only a few pieces instead of the full turkey. We also bought two roast chickens to supplement our turkey pieces. But even though the food was excellent, the fellowship was even better. We all gathered in the kitchen and cooked and made an event of watching all the F.R.I.E.N.D.S Thanksgiving episodes, and then moved onto challenges of who can do the weirdest things with which extremities. I began my day a little teary eyed at the thought of being so far from all my family gathered round to give thanks, but ended the day more thankful than I could ever have imagined for my amazing friends :)

Life Thus Far In France

Unfortunately for this post, there are no photos to accompany it. I've lost my camera and have turned my apartment upside down in search of it but with no reward, but hopefully soon my luck will change. This is just an update to my life thus far in France, I suppose, so I can't promise you much excitement but I can at least give you something to read. Every day is a change of emotions for me- some of the days I feel myself settling in and being happy and feeling as if I'm at home, like yesterday for example. We wanted to have Subway for dinner since they, like many institutions in France and the European Union, have student prices or discounts. Not exactly a "French" choice but when you are low on funds you can't exactly go out to eat for a delicious 10.50 euro "Saladier Lyonnais" every day. So we stood in line, gave our orders, and specified that they were "à emporter" which is the French version of "to go." Of course Subway is a good test of your French language skills because you don't just order one thing off of the menu and wait- you have to indicate which kind of bread that you would like, what size, that you would like the "ménu étudiant" (student combo), and then correct them when they accidentally over-charge you. So I felt accomplished when I left the line with exactly what I had wanted when I entered it, and the exact price I had assumed. We walked back to the metro without even paying attention to where we were going because these acts are now so ingrained in our daily activities- it isn't even an actual thought process to figure out which direction to go now. Almost everything is instinct. And so yesterday evening I found myself wondering at the fact that possibly I could be happy here. As of right now it isn't my first choice, or even my second, but I still could make a life here if I must.

And then there are the other days, and I can't honestly figure out which is the most common of the two choices to be honest. It distresses me, because I can't actually remember having to work hard to be happy somewhere. But sometimes for my in Lyon that is the case. Most of the time it occurs when someone in an office somewhere has failed my American image of what a good business should be and how they should operate. During the second month, in particular, of my stay in Lyon, this was a huge problem. Frustration would overcome my entire being and my day would be ruined as I only saw the negative in all situations and wondered why in the world things can't be done "the better way." It was always a shock to me, during that second month (because the first month- or most of it anyway I stayed with a friend and her family and they helped me deal with things, but then for the second month I was on my own to face the world) how it seemed that people just didn't care about good business, which is a principle on which America operates.

Now, I'm coming to the end of the third month and the beginning of the fourth month in Lyon and I accept these things, not with resignation yet, but without surprise, that much is sure. Still there is frustration, but it's almost like it's wearing me down because I know that sometimes that's just how things are here. A friend recently explained it to me the best way I've heard so far: most of the jobs are government jobs, and in those jobs it's extremely difficult to get fired so there's not a lot of thoughts of working hard so that people keep their jobs- they're automatically safe. It's good for the employee but not for the general population when the employee doesn't care about doing their best since they don't really have to. It's the same with the university- for French students (unlike in America!) it's very cheap to go to University, so again the faculty is employed by the government and not extremely motivated to do an excellent job.

So at least I have an explanation and I'm not wandering around thinking "why why whyyyy!" anymore. And it's only certain times that these things happen, but it's always for very big issues, such as my "Carte de Sejour" which is my permit to live in France!

Life is in fact becoming more like home here though, and I am noticing it more every day. I'm looking forward to getting all the paperwork out of the way once and for all so that I can just enjoy the second semester with my new friends and travel as much as possible. Now that I know how the system works for choosing classes I expect next semester to go much smoother.

And it is now the week of Thanksgiving in America. I've never been away from home for a holiday, much less Thanksgiving! It's difficult for me because I'm also not in America at all, which means it's just another ordinary day for France and I (along with the other Americans scattered around) will be the one thinking of my family back home with their giant Thanksgiving feast and Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and Football game and Christmas music. I'll be the one sleeping in on Friday while America hustles and bustles during Black Friday. I can't imagine not participating in those events, but this is one of the sacrifices I have to make in order to further my education and open as many doors for myself (figuratively speaking) as possible. So I am ridiculously ecstatic that I'm going home for Christmas for a few weeks, but I am very sad to be missing Thanksgiving.

However, my awesome friends here are coming together for a Thanksgiving feast of sorts of our own and for that I'm so grateful. I'd rather be around friends than be on my own for sure on that day. We will attempt to put together a Thanksgiving meal in Lyon! The country representations are (other than me- the lone American) Sri Lanka, Mexico, Italy, Canada, and the Netherlands. Such an international way to celebrate the American holiday! But I'm very excited and hopefully I will find my camera before then and be able to document the day in pictures as well as words for all to see!

So until the Thanksgiving post- à bien tôt!

Madrid

Unfortunately for the Madrid post, I am not sure what all the buildings are so I can't put captions on them! These are just snapshots of the beautiful Spanish city from my weekend spent there. I found it to be quite similar to New York City in the main downtown area, but with much more history added in! It's so strange to be in Europe where buildings and statues are more than 20 years old, and to think that you're walking on cobblestone streets where horses and carriages and people alike used to cross many many years ago. Hopefully these pictures will be able to help you to see what I saw and experienced during my short trip!

An outdoor gym

I had to donate some change to this man in order to take his picture!

Lyon

This is the just a small glance of my current home town, there will most likely be many more photos to come. It's impossible to describe with only a few photos and words, so hopefully my readers (all 3 of you) can come and visit and experience it for yourself. It's quite different than living America for many reasons, not the least of which is that most buildings are quite old. It didn't take long at all to get used to this fact- it brings a smile to my face to imagine the stories that the buildings carry with them through the years. The city in itself is quite nice because transportation is quite simple. If you absolutely have to, it isn't a huge deal to walk or bike to your destination, and it's a lovely view along the way. The streets are still old and cobblestone in many places, but a lot of them (especially the main ones) have been modernized to fit the vehicles that traverse them today. Again, these photos are just a taste of Lyon, and more will be coming to further illustrate life in one of the largest cities in France!

"Grenouille"! (Frog's Legs)

Restaurant by the river where we ate the frog's legs!

Cathédrale St. Jean in Vieux Lyon

Vieux Lyon

Vieux Lyon

Basilique Notre Dame de Fourviere

Vieux Lyon to have lunch with friends

View outside of the house in St. Genis Les Ollieres where I stayed upon my arrival in Lyon

It's been toooo long!

My DEEPEST and sincerest apologies- due to lack of internet and computer adaptor failure, it has been a while since I've updated my few readers with photos and proof that in fact am in Europe this year! So now I'll be adding pictures from my travels- which have so far been Madrid and Geneva and hopefully there will be many more to come! Thanks for hanging with me during my long period of silence!